I Was Feeling Epic

 February 2018 

She was scrolling through his profile again, clicking on his pictures, zooming in and out, not sure of why she was even doing it. A soft tap on her forehead made her look up from her phone. He pulled the covers off her face, plopped a pillow upright against the headboard and got into bed with her, laying against the pillow while she nestled into him. 

“You’re cold,” she said. 

“Am I?” 

“No, I’m just warmer,” she smiled. He patted the top of her head with his right hand. “I can’t remember the last time you’ve been gone this long!” She was whining. 

“I wanted to see what you would do,” he said. “Seems like I missed a lot eh?” he asked. She looked up at him. He was smiling but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

“You’re disappointed.” 

He shrugged his shoulders lightly, “I thought you would wait for me and hear my opinion and then decide.” 

She didn’t take her eyes off him, “No, you just didn’t want to be here when I made the decision – you knew I wouldn’t listen to you, so you deliberately stayed away.” He was quiet. “Wait,” she sat up, “you wanted me to make up my mind without you?” He rolled his eyes and pulled her back into him, covering her with his wings. A feather brushed her cheek and she sighed, “Then why are you so upset?” 

“Because I know how this ends,” he said, taking her phone. “He isn’t the one. You have better coming for you.” She reached up to his face with her hand and traced his jaw. He mock-gnashed his teeth at it and she laughed. 

“Why doesn’t it work out?” she asked. 

“He makes crappy excuses.” 

She scoffed, “I am NOT that shallow.” 

“I meant he chooses to end it, and then gives you crappy excuses.” 

“So they’re excuses? Meaning he would still be-” 

“No,” he interrupted, “he wouldn’t.” 

“You said you wouldn’t read my mind,” she hit his stomach. 

“Manufacturing defect!” he laughed. 

“How long would it be?” she was serious again. 

“Two years.” 

She raised her eyebrows, “That would be my longest one then.” She got up on one elbow. 

“What?” he looked at her, bracing for the next question. 

“How bad would I be?” 

“You mean besides depressed, feeling used and sad?” he said, “You’ll be relieved.” 

“Uff! That doesn’t sound pretty at all.” 

“Hmm,” his reply was curt. 

She sat up completely this time, “Answer me honestly, okay?” 

“When have I been dishonest with you?” She raised her eyebrows at his words and he smirked. “Just ask!” 

“Is there really no benefit to the either of us at the end of this?” she asked him. A second passed. He was stalling, and she knew it. “What?” she tugged at his white robe. 

“To say that it will be completely useless is a lie.” 

“So what happens?” she wanted to know more. 

“You know I can’t tell you that,” he frowned, “I’m only supposed to warn you.” 

“Jeez! Some warning you are!” 

“Hey, no taking our Father’s name in vain,” his tone changed and she bit her tongue. 

“I’m sorry, it just came out.” 

He clicked his tongue and sighed, “You do grow, and become strong.” He suddenly stopped himself and said, “While he just ignores everything around him and decides to move on.” 

“That bad eh?” she asked. He smiled at her. 

 “What if I told you that I wanted to change the outcome?” she asked and he felt his chest tighten. 

He took a deep breath, “You’ve never said that before.” 

“I know, it’s possible and rare, but I’ve also not felt this way about someone before.” 

He couldn’t deny the hope he saw in her eyes and said, “If that’s how you feel, you can try, but I’m not making any promises and you have to let me help you, if anything,” he stopped to hold her shoulders gently but firmly, “and I mean anything, comes up.” He passed the phone back to her. 

“Oh!” she laughed, “Thank you!” she hugged him and clicked the blue button labelled ‘Accept’. 

 November 2020 

If only I could wipe away my memories of you every time it rained. I would be able to forget. I would forget that you left me. I would forget that you broke the promises that you made to me; to us. I would forget that you meant everything to me. I would forget what it was like to be alive; dead, resurrected, only to be broken again. 

She closed her diary and switched off the table lamp. As she got into bed, she closed her eyes, folded her hands and whispered, “I need to see you.” The wind blew lightly through the window above her bed, making the curtain graze her hair and she smiled. “Okay, I’ll wait.” 

He found her lying down, her knees pulled up to her chest, her hands cradling the piece of jewellery. He swallowed. This would be hard for him too, but he was told that he had to be hard on her. 

“It doesn’t fit anymore.” She sounded broken as she kept turning the ring over and over again. 

“It wasn’t supposed to.”  He said, “If I remember correctly, from the moment you got it, it never did fit you, you just made it fit.” She looked at him. 

“That’s not true.” 

“Really? Explain to me why.” He said, getting into bed. She was taking deep, slow breaths at a time and he could immediately see the confusion and grief in her heart. It pained him, to see his 'gift' like that. Remembering the instructions, he waited for her to speak. 

“It did fit me – once upon a time,” she was choosing her words carefully, “and I wore it beautifully too. It suited me just fine and people were even envious of it.” 

“Why do you think it doesn’t fit anymore?” 

“I just outgrew it.” 

He sighed and placed his hand on her head, wrapping his wings around her and cradling her just like the first time he’d held her when she was less than a minute old. She gave into his warmth and lay there, thinking of what to ask so he won’t say ‘I told you so’. 

“I want you,” she began, “to always remind me to never think that I can actually change the future.” He chuckled. She sniffed. 

“You changed it you know,” his voice had a certain pride to it. 

“What?” her head suddenly jolted under his feathers. 

“You changed him.” 

“But he still left.” 

“I didn’t say you changed the outcome, I said you changed him.” 

“How so?” her curiosity was evident. 

“He didn’t just ignore and move on, he asked for forgiveness and moved on.” He turned her head to face him and saw that she was smiling. “Does that make you happy?” 

“Immensely,” she said. “I bet Heaven was happy too, huh?” she asked. 

“You have no idea.” He chuckled. 

“What is he thinking about right now?” she wrapped her arms around him. 

He took a moment and said, “He’s thinking, ‘If that is what she wants, I can take it’”. She was quiet for a while. 

 “But that is not what he said to me and this is definitely not what I wanted at all. I wanted us to work.” 

“I did warn you – that’s not how everything works.” 

“Yes, I’m aware.” She clenched her jaw. 

“Then why did you want to say ‘yes’ so badly in the first place? Why did you want to help someone else like this?” 

His question made her relive the last two years of her life, the sparks she felt, the happiness she knew, the fights, the make-ups, the love and the loss she had to bear. She wanted to rebuke him and ask him why he let her make her own choice. Like other angels on earth, why wasn’t he forcing Heaven’s will on her? Why didn’t he convince her if he knew the future? She opened her mouth to ask him these questions, but stopped. She realized that he was only trying to help her see the answers she already knew. 

“You want the truth?” she looked at him. 

“I would know if you were lying.” This time, his smile had reached his eyes. 

She answered, “I was feeling epic.”